There Is Only Life
by ennusi
Summary: Raven thought wishing herself into the world of her favorite manga would be easy. Unfortunately, no one taught her not to make deals with the devil. [Revised version, manga-centric]
1. I'm Like A Moth To A Flame

**1\. I'm Like a Moth to a Flame the Way I'm Always Attracted to Danger**

* * *

 _"I feel the need to endanger myself every so often." ― Tim Daly_

* * *

People would eventually go on to say that I asked for this.

It makes sense, of course. Since I have an excellent sense of danger that I only half-listen to. And my decisions always end up seeming stupid or reckless to everyone but myself because of it.

(It should also be noted that this habit followed me like a ghost of my previous life.)

Like how I never strayed too far from the old man, yet I'd grabbed my drawstring bag full of supplies and high-tailed it to the Hunter Exam despite him forbidding it. Or how, as soon as I stepped off the elevator, I stayed the hell away from Tonpa and his "juice" to avoid any trouble. But when I catch a familiar flash of red hair, I promptly ignore that sense and follow him out of curiosity.

It doesn't take me long to find out why that's a bad idea.

As soon as I reach Hisoka, I watch his entire body uncoil like a snake to sever a man's arms all in the time it takes for me to _blink_. For a few seconds, there's nothing but stunned silence. Once the initial shock wears off the man, he finally screams. Except it's less screaming and more like animalistic howls of agony that press down on me as a reminder of how _I really shouldn't be here_. My eyes focus on the growing puddle of blood underneath him. I've only ever seen this much blood when we butcher game back home.

Every inflection of Hisoka's voice drips malice. "Don't forget to apologize after you hit someone~"

His bloodlust spills out in a huge wave. It hits me like a thousand needles that stab me in place and forces me to watch with some kind of morbid fascination. Hisoka moved almost on instinct. No hesitation, no remorse.

Ricarius is right. I'm not ready for the Hunter Exam.

I can sense Hisoka's immense power through his aura alone. It feels as vast and dark as the ocean back home. No one person should be so strong. But he is and he's definitely not the only one.

The devil tricked me. My wish should've made me stronger than Hisoka, stronger than anyone in this world. But I had to start at square one when I woke up in this new life. Sure, I have potential. Ricarius told me that much when I started training. I could become a strong Hunter—maybe even the strongest—but not without putting in the work. Four years' worth and it still isn't enough. While I have an edge over many of the competitors here with my knowledge of Nen, compared to the likes of Hisoka I'm merely a child. He can slaughter me easily at my current level.

The thought sends a shiver down my spine. Once the magician finally walks away, I take the chance to scurry back into the safety of the crowd, putting as many bodies between us as I can. I wanted a closer look at Hisoka and I certainly got it. Mutilating that man for something as trivial as bumping into him makes me realize he isn't someone I should try to befriend. It's easy to gloss over that detail when reading it through the pages of a book, but seeing it in person really sobered me up.

My new objective: stay the hell away from Hisoka.

Although…

Seeing Gon, Leorio and Kurapika make me stop in my tracks. Those three are the main reason I made my wish in the first place. Of course, joining them means I'll have to cross paths with Hisoka. Still, I'll probably be safer with them then I would be alone.

"I didn't think I'd find anyone else my age here." Gon turns those huge brown eyes to me and I almost melt. He's even more adorable in person. "My name's Raven. What's yours?"

"Gon," he replies with a smile.

I turn to the others. "And you two are…?"

"Leorio." He's easy to read. Amiable and with something of a brotherly aura around him. I like him already.

The blonde, however…"Kurapika." While he smiles politely, it doesn't quite reach his eyes, which regard me with suspicion. I try to make my own grin a little brighter. His eyes only narrow more.

"Anyway, I see you guys met Tonpa-san." I glance down at the orange puddle between Gon and I. "Sorry I wasn't here to warn you guys about the juice. I got a little distracted by...maimed arms."

Gon's brow creases. "You had some too? You didn't get sick, did you?"

If I did, I'd be in the nearest bathroom right now. "No, but someone warned me beforehand. It was um...that guy." I point to #187 with the computer tucked under his arm. I can't remember his name.

"What was in it?" Kurapika asks.

"Probably a poison or something. Apparently, he's something of a 'Rookie Crusher', definitely not someone you should trust. I would've fallen for his trick if it wasn't for 187-san."

"So would we if it hadn't been for Gon here." Leorio gives the younger boy a good-natured pat on the back and Gon smiles sheepishly.

A high-pitched warbling sound mixed with a ringing bell fills the room, cutting off all conversation. Satotz stands on one of the pipes along the wall in front of an opening in the brick wall. He presses a button on top of the head-shaped bell to silence it. "The time for reception has ended. Now, we can begin the exam."

He hops down and gestures towards the dim tunnel. "This way please."

"Would it be okay if I tagged along with you?" I ask Gon, clasping my hands together. "Some of the guys here are really weird."

"Sure!"

I make light conversation with Gon in the meantime and he's surprisingly easy to talk with. We trade stories about our home life and he tells me about his dream to be a Hunter. When Satotz finally picks up the pace, we quiet down to focus on keeping up. Thankfully, Ricarius helped me greatly improve my endurance during the four years I lived with him. I have to admit that his training, although hellish, worked. Not that I'll ever tell the old man. If everything goes according to plan then I'll never have to see him again. I ignore the pang of guilt that comes with the thought.

Everyone seems to be doing pretty good so far. I wonder when people are going to start falling behind. The manga hadn't been too clear on specifics.

A flash of white catches my eye as Killua Zoldyck sails right past us on his skateboard. My heart skips a beat. I'd always had something of a crush on him. He's just so handsome and cool, especially with the aloof expression he's wearing. I wrench my eyes away from him and try to school my features while Leorio pitches a fit over Killua "cheating". Afterward, Killua turns towards us, though his eyes are only on Gon. I pretend not to notice as I fight to keep the blush off my cheeks. I don't want him to think I'm some kind of creep.

"How old are you?" he asks Gon.

"Twelve!"

"Just like me." Killua hops off his skateboard, kicks it into the air and catches it under his arm. All without missing a single step. "I'm going to run too. Name's Killua."

"I'm Gon."

Killua turns to Leorio with a big smile. "And you, Mister?"

"Hey, don't 'Mister' me, I'm not that old. We're from the same generation!"

Gon frowns. "Are you sure?"

"That's it! I'm never speaking to you again, Gon!"

I giggle at Kurapika quickening his pace to distance himself from the group, embarrassed by all the antics.

"Leorio just gives off an aura of sophistication that children wouldn't understand," I cut in with a wink and tilt of my chin. "That's why he wears suits."

"See? She gets it!"

Although Gon nods in agreement, Killua doesn't seem at all convinced.

He turns to me and my heart jumps as our eyes meet. "I saw you."

Heat floods my whole face. Not only are we speaking, but he'd also _noticed_ me. I used to imagine countless scenarios about us meeting before, but now it's actually happening. I want to say something but can't find any words. Even if I could speak, it'd probably come out as incoherent babbling.

He must have mistaken my silence for confusion because he clarifies. "When that guy's arms got cut off. You were in the front."

"O-Oh." My voice sounds so small and lame. I fiddle with the straps of my bag just to have something to focus on. "Yeah, that was pretty scary."

"I don't like you."

The statement comes so unexpectedly, that all I can do is stare blankly at him. "What?"

"You seem fake." In that moment, his eyes remind me of ice. Cold and distant. Nothing compared to how he'd looked at the others.

His words pierce my chest. While he doesn't know the exact circumstances that brought me here, it unnerves me that he reads me so well. It's something I should've expected. He does have the sharp mind of an assassin, after all. Much more observant than someone like Gon.

And he's right. I've built this life on a lie. Unlike everyone else, I wasn't born here. I forced my way in. His words make me feel ashamed. But they also spark something rebellious deep within me. Something I haven't felt since I ran away from the old man.

I lean close to Killua and lower my voice enough for him to hear. "No faker than a boy pretending he isn't a killer."

With that, I pick up my pace and I don't look back.

So much for dreaming. I didn't expect my first meeting with Killua to go so badly. _I don't like you_. Those words echo in my ears and I clench my teeth around my frustration. Fine. If he wants to label me a fake, then I'll wear that label proudly. My wish didn't hurt anyone, unlike him. He doesn't even know me to speak with such authority.

But it isn't just him. Although not as blunt as Killua, Kurapika hadn't been as forthcoming towards me either. I thought he would've been a lot more open. Did I miss something when I read this story? Or maybe I didn't pay as much attention as I thought.

Every irritated thought pushes me forward, even when my legs start tingling from the exertion of running for hours. The more pissed off I feel, the more I pump my legs to run faster. It reminds me of how I'd go running whenever the old man ticked me off, which happened pretty often. I don't even realize how far ahead I am until I see Leorio rush past me in a burst of determination.

I grin at his retreating back. Okay, so maybe earning everyone's trust won't be as easy as I thought. But I still have to try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

After hours of running and endless stairs— _oh_ god, _the stairs_ —, we finally reach the end of the tunnel. I step out and squint against the harsh sunlight. It takes a second before my eyes adjust to the brightness. Up ahead lies the Numere Wetlands (colloquially referred to as Swindler's Swamp), covered in a thick blanket of fog. While Satotz explains the next phase, I pull out a bottle of water from my bag and take a quick sip. I hand the bottle to Leorio, who looks seconds away from collapsing. He thanks me and downs the whole thing in seconds.

"You're pretty out of shape, aren't you?" I tease while taking the empty bottle from him.

"You, hush."

I giggle and pat his arm sympathetically. No wonder the others pick on him. He makes it too easy.

"He's lying to you!"

I crane my head to look at the battered man claiming to be the real examiner. Everyone steps aside, leaving a straight path between him and Satotz. The examiner simply stares. I lean further out to see the monkey creature. Its teeth are sharp and its limbs impossibly long, like a human stretched out too thin. It gives me the creeps just looking at it. Good thing the exam took place in the daytime. Imagining that thing scampering towards me in the dark like some kind of possessed spider—

"Look out!" Leorio yanks me back by the collar. Something whizzes past, barely brushing against my forehead. Hisoka stands between the two of them, shuffling a deck of cards in his hands. Satotz holds four cards between his fingers with his eyes still on the magician. I reach my hand up to an itch and realize it's a cut.

Hisoka throws out another card and pierces the retreating creature, killing it instantly. "This proves that he's the real one. Only a true Hunter could block such a simple attack~"

While Satotz reprimands Hisoka for his little stunt, I can't help glaring at him. I'm right in my decision to avoid him. Hisoka is too unpredictable, like an active grenade that can explode at any time. I have to make sure not to draw too much attention to myself so I don't become collateral damage.

His gaze snaps onto mine as if sensing someone staring. I flinch and look away sharply. _Damn_. I try to play it off by looking around at the others, letting my eyes linger on them a bit. Raspy screeching brings my focus back to the dead man's body, where vultures descend to feast on it. They pick and tear at the flesh with their long beaks, swarming over it until the corpse is out of view.

The others wince at the display, though none seems too troubled. Instead, they only look at him in fear that they might share his fate. Just like the unfortunate man in the tunnels, yet another attack by Hisoka.

No hesitation. No remorse.

"His plan was to lead a few confused candidates astray by accusing me of being an impostor," Satotz explains. "This kind of fatal deceit occurs here every day. I'm certain more than a couple of you were beginning to doubt me, were you not?"

A couple of people look away in shame. Leorio chuckles nervously but otherwise says nothing.

What a cruel world. Another thing I didn't realize until my wish. If I'm not careful, I'll end up just like that corpse, with no one sparing me more than a passing glance and a murmur of _glad that's not me_.

I have to do my best to avoid that fate. Casting one final look of pity towards the body, I turn and follow Satotz through the wetlands for the rest of the first phase.

* * *

I'm not proud to admit that I've fallen on my face more than a couple of times while running through the swamp. The soft, muddy ground makes my feet slip constantly. I'm not used to this type of terrain and the fog isn't making things any easier. It takes me a while before I find a good rhythm. Unfortunately, I've lost sight of Leorio and Kurapika. Gon and Killua had already long surpassed us.

The mist thickens even more. The people around me blur into vague shadows. I keep my eyes focused on their shapes and follow them. My legs itch where mud dried and caked over the skin. Sweat dampens my already stained shirt. I tug at the collar to let my skin breathe.

 _I should've worn something less warm with shorter sleeves. Maybe I can rip these off and_ —

I skid to a halt, flailing my arms to stop myself from plummeting over the edge and into a deep gully. Sharp spikes line the bottom, piercing through the corpses of others who'd fallen victim to the trap. A flapping sounds above. Through the haze, I can see several blurs flying overhead and several cries of _over here, guys! That way's dangerous!_

Behind me, splashing footsteps approach fast. One of the men breaks through the mist and I barely manage to dodge his unfortunate drop. His screams cut short when the spikes impale his body.

I try doubling back the way I came, but can't find anyone. With my visibility impaired, I can't make sense of my location. I don't want to risk running blindly into any danger, but I can't stay put either. _Damn it!_ If I hadn't slipped so much, I wouldn't have gotten lost.

I cup my hands and shout the first name that springs to mind. "Leorio? Can you hear me?"

"Raven?" He doesn't sound too far off, but if I don't start moving, I might lose him. "Where are you?"

"I don't know. I think I'm lost," I try to go in the direction his voice is coming from. I hate this place. It smells like wet dog and the stupid mist isn't helping.

"It's going to be okay," he assures me. "Just follow the sound of my voice."

He keeps shouting for me and I follow, keeping my pace at a light jog. I don't dare run any faster in case there's another trap. Once his voice sounds closer, I start jogging.

Ahead, a figure emerges from the fog. A hand reaches out to me.

I move to grab it until I see the pale skin and sharp nails. He seizes my wrist before I can pull away.

"Are you lost, little fairy~?" The way Hisoka's voice curls around his words make my skin crawl. Even though he's smiling, nothing about it feels friendly.

Leorio's still calling for me in the distance, though now he sounds more worried and farther away. I want to reply, but my throat clamps up. I have a feeling that if I yell or show any signs of panic, Hisoka will kill me instantly.

"What do you want with me?" My heart hammers inside my chest as I stare into those amber eyes. If I die here, hopefully, someone will at least find this body.

"I'm only here to help~" Hisoka looks almost offended that I think otherwise. "This place is dangerous for a little girl. You never know what you might find here~" His tone shifts towards the end with malicious glee. That look in his eyes is familiar. He's plotting something devious.

"You mean something like you?"

His grin widens.

If the circumstances were different, I would swoon at the attention. As it stands now, I only have two options. Die by his hand or fight. But Hisoka's stronger in all aspects. And unlike most people, he has no morality to restrain his violent tendencies. Unless someone comes to my rescue, I'll die here.

So much for staying away from him.

What had I ever seen in him? I feel stupid for thinking I could charm him somehow. Hisoka only cares about his own entertainment and beyond a good fight, I don't matter to him. I'm not "worthy".

"You don't have to be so afraid of me~" He yanks me forward, almost making me trip. "In fact, I'll help you find your friends~"

My footsteps are slow and hesitant. "That's not like you."

"Think of it as a show of good will~" It would seem more convincing if his grip wasn't crushing my wrist.

Hisoka guides me through the mist at a leisurely pace. The screams of other candidates only put me more on edge. I keep my eyes on him, countless scenarios running through my mind in case he tries to attack. Knowing Hisoka, the probability of it happening is ridiculously high. Maybe if I'm quick enough, I can avoid dying by his hand. Not that I'll survive out here, but the swamp seems a lot more merciful in comparison.

I scarcely finish the thought when he flicks his other wrist. A handful of cards appear. I pull back, startled. But he throws the cards ahead of him. Several men scream. Leorio's among them.

With that distraction, Hisoka lets go and swings at me. I jerk back. My foot catches and I fall, the contents of my bag painfully digging into my back. Hisoka holds a single card in his hand that's stained red at the tip. My fingers fumble around my throat, feeling where he cut me.

The heavy mist around us thins, revealing the bodies of several wounded and dead men on the ground. Only a few remain standing, including Leorio and Kurapika, the latter with his swords drawn. From somewhere up ahead, I hear Gon shouting.

Leorio presses a hand against the cut on his arm. "What are you doing?!"

Hisoka chuckles, springing a deck of cards between his hands. "I'm playing the role of judge~"

Seconds pass in tense silence as everyone stares, awaiting his next move. Only the soft moans of the wounded and the thrumming sound of Hisoka's cards shooting from one hand to the other fill the air.

"I tried to stay calm~" His voice is too casual for all the blood he just spilled. "But this first round is just too easy for me~" He plucks a card from the top of his deck. From where I sit, I can see it's the Joker. "So I decided to give the jury a helping hand~"

Hisoka's eyes darken. "Now it's my turn to judge you all~"

One of the men bursts into a fit of mocking laughter. "You're kidding, right? With all this fog, it'll be impossible to find the judge again. You've lost just like the rest of u—"

The card pierces his forehead mid-sentence. He slumps down in a pool of his own blood.

"Please behave yourself~" Hisoka chides. "Don't compare me to the likes of you. And don't forget, once you're in the afterlife, nothing's impossible for a magician~"

The other men draw their weapons and rush to surround Hisoka. I want to run away but this body won't let me. Why didn't I bring any weapons along? Anything, just so I stood a better chance against this monster.

Hisoka holds up another card. "This card will be enough to take on all of you~"

That's enough to trigger the men into action. They charge forward to strike, but for all their bravado, they're absolutely no match for the madman.

No depictions of this scene did Hisoka any justice, in my opinion. Despite all the bloodshed, his agility is awe-inspiring. All his strikes are quick and fluid that it seems like the other men move in slow motion. He slashes through them with ease, aiming for necks, faces, and eyes with accurate precision. No wasted movements whatsoever. And through it all, he laughs.

Why did I ever think I could love someone so cruel?

"All of them failed~" Those amber eyes flicker between the others and me. "Only four of you left~"

My lungs constrict. I scramble back on all fours, unable to bring myself to stand. All I can think of is why I didn't listen to the old man. I could be at home, safe in that boring little town and too-small room. But that's not what I'd wanted.

I'd wanted to take the Hunter Exam.

I'd wanted to stand out.

And here I am, in an exam where no one cares if I die. Here I am, caught in the middle of Hisoka's little game because I happened to catch his attention.

"Quick! We should run while he's distracted," one of the men not stupid enough to take on the magician urges. Hisoka only spares him a brief glance, but the corner of his mouth lowers.

It's Leorio who answers him. "But Raven's in trouble. She needs us."

The man looks over and for a brief second our eyes meet. I see nothing but disdain in those eyes. My heart withers. "That kid's a goner. Besides, it's obvious we won't stand a chance, even together. You all must have good reasons for becoming hunters. It'd be stupid to waste this chance."

Not me. My reasons are selfish.

Hisoka's steps are slow and deliberate. Like a predator stalking its prey right before the kill. The straps of my bag tangle around my arms and I lose my balance. I can't move anymore.

Maybe…I deserve to die.

"Both of you go. I'm staying." My eyes find their way to Leorio again. He uses his tie to wrap the wound on his arm and bends down to pick up a thick branch off the ground, brandishing it like a weapon.

The other man doesn't hesitate to run away. Kurapika lingers for a moment, before finally retreating as well.

"How interesting~" Hisoka looks at the both of us. Probably sizing us up to see which one is the better fight. Or how to kill us both.

"Your fight is with me, Hisoka," Leorio points the makeshift weapon at the magician. "Leave her out of it."

 _Oh_. Watching him stand up to Hisoka is really cool. And the way Leorio glares at him with focused determination makes my heart flutter. Even Hisoka agrees that it's an interesting look for him. Leorio probably already has his pass just by having the guts to stand up to him. That only leaves me. I can't act like a helpless child after I spent so much preparing for the exam. After arguing so much with the old man about letting me go.

But even so…

I'm _scared_. This isn't anything like training with Ricarius. Even though the old man always left me with dark bruises after our sparring sessions, I never had to worry about dying. Hisoka won't spare me, I know he won't. Especially not after this pathetic display of cowardice. But I can't help it. It's so easy to just lie here and wait for it all to pass. To let everyone else fight the battles I'm too afraid to.

Leorio will live and I'll die. It feels like a fair trade-off. I don't belong here anyway.

I don't matter.

 _Ricarius was right. He was right, he was righthewasrighthewasright…_

I remember my last words to him. The feel of his note as I crumpled it in my hands and tossed it before getting on the elevator. I'd only glanced at it for a second, but it was enough to mark the words in my brain permanently.

This will be the second time this body dies.

 _No_. It's not fair to Ricarius. He gave up so much to raise this vessel, to train _me_. I came to this world for a reason. Took this life for it.

I matter to someone.

Or at least this body does. And that's reason enough to fight.

Even though my Hatsu still isn't properly developed—not even named—, it's all I have to defend myself. Hopefully, it'll be enough for Hisoka to decide I'm worth sparing. I slip off my bag before using my Hatsu. The shadows feel cool as they wrap around me like a second skin.

"I need to prove myself too, don't I?" The darkness pulls me up to my feet like a puppet on strings. I catch Hisoka's smirk before my vision is obscured. When my eyes focus again, everything's gray. The sensation feels as uncomfortable as I remember, almost suffocating. Ricarius had said I'd get used to it with time.

Survival becomes the only thought in my mind. Everything else fades away as I crouch down on all fours. Hisoka turns to face me fully. I spring forward.

At the last second, I feint and appear behind him. I swing my leg, but Hisoka dodges easily. With all his weight shifted on one foot, I strike at his ankle. It knocks him off balance. He falls back into an easy flip and he's on his feet again.

Before he can fully recover, I lunge. He moves out of the way, but not fast enough. My fist glances off his cheek. I swing my leg for a kick, but he blocks it. He counters each punch and kick easily now until he finds an opening. His fist collides with my cheek and sends me skidding and tumbling back.

I roll onto my feet and watch as he runs a hand through his hair. "So the fairy has horns, does she~?"

Then he rushes forward with inhuman speed, closing the distance between us to mere inches. I flinch but recover and swing. He catches my wrist and smiles. "You pass~"

His words mean nothing. All my attention zeroes in on his hand enclosing my wrist. Trapped. I aim to kick his chin, but he hops away to avoid it.

"You want to keep fighting~?" I stare at him, waiting. Something in his eyes changes. "Ah, I see~"

He disappears. I feel his presence behind me. I turn and tense my legs to spring away, but he punches me in the stomach before I can. All the air leaves my lungs as I slam into the ground. Gray gives way to color as the shadows dissipate. Hisoka holds me down by the neck and his eyes glimmer with interest.

 _What happened?_ I know we fought, but I feel like I'm missing something. I remember him speaking, but I can't recall what he said. Did I not pass? He doesn't have a single scratch on him and I'm at his mercy. He can kill me right now if he wants.

No hesitation. No remorse.

My body goes cold. I claw at his hand, desperate to get him off me. My heart feels like it'll explode inside my chest. I want to run, to hide, but I'm not strong enough to move him. Tears blur my vision. I've never felt so helpless.

I should've told the old man my goodbyes.

Two things happen in quick succession. Something dark strikes Hisoka's cheek hard enough to startle him off-balance. From the corner of my eye, I see Gon with his fishing rod. Immediately after, Leorio rushes forward and swings. The branch connects with a sickening crack to Hisoka's head, knocking him off me. Leorio wastes no time in snatching me up by the arm and hauling me up to run into the safety of the forest. My legs start to buckle and he quickly scoops me up when it's clear I'm slowing him down.

"Jesus, kid. What the hell were you thinking taking on Hisoka like that?" he demands, each word strained as he runs. "You could've been killed."

I hold my hands against my stomach, still working on getting the air back into my own lungs. "I-I couldn't just sit back. He was testing _both_ of us."

"You should've just let me handle it," But then he laughs a little and says, "Nice going though. I didn't think you had that in you."

A rustling of grass alerts us to someone approaching. We look up to see Kurapika coming our way, stopping when he sees us. His swords are still in his hands and his hair looks ruffled.

"I came back to see if you were okay." His eyes assess us both. I give him a half-hearted wave in return.

"We're fine, but Gon's back there with Hisoka."

"Right. The trail is back that way, you can't miss it," Kurapika says before heading towards the clearing for Gon. I lapse into silence as Leorio heads for the trail leading to the reserve, something nagging at the back of my mind.

This isn't supposed to happen.

Leorio shouldn't be carrying me through the forest. Hisoka should've knocked him out and taken him to the next phase. If it hadn't been for me, things would've happened like that. But my fumbling brought me to Hisoka's attention and therefore made Leorio stay behind. And I don't even know what's happening to Gon back there. I inadvertently changed the events to accommodate me. I thought wishing myself into this world would be a clean-cut deal. I guess I shouldn't expect things to stay the same. But I can't help wonder how much my presence will affect future events.

Or how much trouble I'll cause others.

I peek up at Leorio for a second, before lowering my gaze again. "Thanks for not leaving me."

His breath ruffles my hair when he chuckles. "Yeah, yeah. Anytime, kid."

* * *

 **A/N:** **This is a rewrite of my reader-insert HxH fic. Besides the obvious POV/tense change, I've combined a couple chapters, removed some unnecessary filler, and made a few touch-ups in the writing and plot. Since the story started as something simpler and later evolved into something different, I fixed the disconnect between those few chapters now with a clear end goal in mind. I'm still working on chapter 3, but since it's taking a while, I thought I might as well upload what I have.**

 **Bonus: Here's a sketch I did of Raven a couple of weeks ago.** **https (:) / / sta (period) sh/0ith8701s7b**

 **Bonus 2: The quotev version includes a poem prologue and later interstitials. It's not vital to understanding the fic, it's just me being artsy. Just search the story title or my username (ennusi) because ffnet is a huge hassle with links, as you can see above :/ Which in turn, also fucks with emoticons.**


	2. Friendship Is How We Get Through

**2\. Friendship is How We Get Through This but Hating Each Other is Always a Plus**

* * *

 _"It takes two flints to make a fire." ― Louisa May Alcott_

* * *

We reach the second exam center well after Satotz had already taken his leave. With nothing else for the other candidates to do but wait, their eyes zero in on us as soon as we arrive. Feeling self-conscious, I wriggle out of Leorio's grasp and almost fall face first in my haste to get free. I look around but don't see Hisoka yet. I do, however, lock eyes with Killua and turn away as quickly as possible. A strange, low rumbling sound fills the air and steadily grows louder. It's coming from the building in the middle of the clearing. _Good god, is that really Buhara?_

Sometime later, Gon and Kurapika finally emerge from the forest, both sweaty and covered with leaves.

I run towards them as soon as I see them. "Gon! What did that maniac do to you?" I run my fingers through his hair, over his face and clothes, ignoring the weird looks he and Kurapika are giving me. There aren't any marks on him, but with the magician, no one can ever be too sure.

"You mean Hisoka?" He shrugs. "Nothing, really. He just said I'd passed."

I sigh in relief and drop my arms. Thank goodness, I didn't mess things up. I don't ever want to do anything that'll cause someone like Gon to get hurt. "Did uh...did he say anything about m—us? Leorio and I?"

"He told me you guys passed too."

Good. Honestly, I half expected him to walk up suddenly and sock Leorio in the face just so canon would right itself. Of course, I'm glad that's not the case. Leorio doesn't deserve half the shit Togashi puts him through.

"And um…thanks for the help back there too. I owe you one, Gon."

"It's okay." He looks up past me. "Oh, Leorio-san. Here you go." Gon unhooks the briefcase from the fishing rod and hands it back to him.

"Thanks. I needed this," Leorio kneels down and places it on the ground. He opens the case, revealing an assortment of medicines, a first aid kit, spare clothes, and a lewd magazine (but he's pretty quick about hiding that one from us). I watch with mild curiosity as he cleans and bandages the cut on his arm before putting on a spare white shirt.

Then I realize something.

"I left my bag in the swamp!" I dig my hands into my hair. It had all my supplies in inside. Water, snacks, spare clothes, feminine supplies... _damn it_. "Gon, did you see it?"

He smiles nervously. "Um, actually…"

A shadow looms over me seconds before I hear the voice. "Looking for this~?"

Kurapika holds out his swords again, Gon his fishing rod, and Leorio brandishes the knife he stashed in his suitcase. I whirl around to Hisoka dangling my bag by one of its straps on one finger. My gaze flits from him to my bag, gauging if this is some kind of trap. But he doesn't move, just waits there, still smirking. God, he can never just smile like a normal person. Finally, I snatch it away from him and hold it close to my chest. "Thanks...I guess."

He turns and starts walking away, raising a hand. "Consider it payment for the water~"

 _Huh?_ I quickly open my bag and there's one less water bottle inside, leaving me only one full and one empty. That son of a bitch. "At least have the decency to put the empty one back so I can refill it, you asshole!" Even from behind, I can tell he's laughing at me.

Killua approaches us while I rummage around to make sure Hisoka didn't steal anything else. Gon asks him why everyone is waiting and Killua fills him in on what the sign in front of the building says. The two get to talking again while they wait for noon to come. I don't pay much attention to them, feeling weird about getting between the two mostly because I'm still pissed at Killua. Leorio offers to bandage my cuts and I let him, wincing as he applies disinfectant first. It still fascinates me how gentle he is despite also being one with the quickest temper. Funny how that works.

At exactly twelve, the doors slowly creak open and the noise from inside only gets louder. Everyone stands at attention, a nervous anticipation settling on the crowd as they wait whatever will greet them on the other side. No one says a word as the examiners come into view, Menchi with her little smirk and Buhara towering behind her.

"So." She looks up at her partner. "You hungry?"

Buhara almost rolls his eyes. "Can't you hear it? I'm starving."

"Well then. Your second exam will be...cooking up a dish that can satisfy us two," she announces. "First one dish that Buhara designates and those who pass will cook a dish for me of my choosing."

That elicits a bunch of murmuring from everyone. Many of them don't know how to cook. Others think Menchi won't eat as much as Buhara because of her size, thus eliminating a larger number of candidates. Even knowing what's coming and preparing myself for it, I can't help the fluttering in my stomach. I almost failed the first phase because of my negligence. The same thing can happen here. I have to be careful.

Once Buhara states his dish and the start of the first half, everyone takes off running. I follow the group through the forest to find pigs.

Leorio lets out a huge sigh. "Man, I'm glad it's such a simple dish."

Gon nods. He's the fastest out of all of us, running in front. "All we have to do is catch a pig and roast it, right?"

"But we have to move quickly," Kurapika adds. "There's still a limit to how much he'll eat, even at his size."

"You guys know there's only one type of pig here, right?"

All three turn to me. "They're huge, carnivorous pigs with massive snouts. I haven't actually seen one up close, but I've read about them."

"How big are we talking about?"

"Uh, like that." I point ahead to the clearing where there's a whole herd of them, crunching the bones of some horned animal. Everyone comes to a halt a few feet away. One turns its eye towards us. It rears itself back and squeals loudly, alerting the rest.

We take off running as the entire herd starts chasing after us. Their thunderous hoof beats fill the air and make the ground beneath us tremble. The other candidates haul ass the way they came when they see the stampede. A few of them aren't fast enough and the pigs slam them into the air. They fall down only for the rest of the herd to trample over them.

"Aim for the forehead, it's their weak spot," I call out and leap into a tree to get a better vantage point. One pig slams into the trunk and I cling for life as the whole tree quakes back and forth under its weight.

The pig keeps ramming the tree until the ripened apples fall from their branches. They hit its forehead, causing it to squeal in pain. _Now's my chance_. I jump down and deliver a swift and fatal kick.

I land beside the Stamp and watch it squeal in agony. My heart tightens and I look away, trying to block out the pitiful sounds. This is the part I hate the most about hunting. The part that Ricarius always gave me a hard time about for being "too soft". But I'm not ten anymore. I can do this. I swallow back the lump in my throat and take the dead pig back to prepare it.

To my credit, at least this time I don't cry.

* * *

These pigs are weird. They have absolutely no hair on their hide for me to scrape off, which does make things easier, but it's still strange. It takes hours to bleed, gut, and then clean out the entire pig, but ultimately the process isn't too different from butchering pigs at the farm. I just have to put more work in. By the time I finish seasoning it with a dry rub, my muscles scream for a little rest, so I sing a little to distract myself. I finish by coating the skin with some oil and set it on the grill to cook.

Boy, the manga sure made this look easy.

I wipe the sweat from my face with a spare cloth and watch the others. Some don't even wait to dress the pig before roasting, probably trying to finish first. My lip curls at the sight. Ugh, animals.

Fortunately, the others have the sense to do things properly. Sort of. I let the boys use my seasoning so their pigs have flavor. I present my pig to Buhara, who gives it an appreciative sniff before smiling with delight. He practically inhales the whole thing leaving nothing but the bones.

"Excellent flavor!" He quickly moves on to the next pig.

In the end, seventy of us pass the first part of the second phase.

* * *

"For _my_ dish, I'll choose…sushi!" Another round of confused muttering comes from the candidates. "I know, I know. It's not exactly an international dish, but you all have plenty of hints." Menchi strides over to the cooking station and stretches her arms out wide. "You'll have all the necessary ingredients and utensils, including the most essential ingredient: rice.

"And the biggest hint. I'll only accept nigiri-zushi. The exam will end when I'm full, but until then, you can make as many as you like. Now, begin!"

The others fumble around with their supplies, picking at the rice or examining the knives while trying to figure out what sushi is. I stand in front of my station with my chin in hand, lost in thought.

Sushi, although certainly not a rare food, didn't really catch on in this world the way it did in my old life. Here, it's more of a regional dish. Ricarius and I would occasionally have some in specialty restaurants. Or we'd make our own when the mood struck him. Being a do-it-yourself person, Ricarius taught me to work with my own hands. We'd use saba, kampachi, kurage, iwashi, uni...my mouth waters just thinking about it.

A heavy hand on my shoulder brings me back to the present. Leorio looks down at me. "Raven, do you know what sushi is?"

"Well...yes, but it's gonna be hard to make with what we have." I cross my arms over my chest, tilting my head. "It's typically made with raw saltwater fish, though there are exceptions. But there's no ocean nearby and freshwater fish run the risk of carrying harmful parasites. And without knowing what type of sea life lives around here who knows how it'll affect the taste."

Ugh, I'm overthinking this. But the alternative is to jump off a cliff and probably (most likely) die. I have to try with the sushi.

"Menchi-san is a Gourmet Hunter. Perhaps the goal in choosing such a dish is for us to experiment," Kurapika suggests.

"Oh yeah." It makes sense. But what the hell is she thinking doing that? The average person doesn't have the necessary skills to create a culinary masterpiece, especially with non-traditional ingredients. Barely anyone here even knows what sushi is. Hell, if it hadn't been for the old man, I wouldn't either. Menchi is in for a real disappointment if she's going about this as a _Gourmet_ Hunter instead of just a regular one.

Ah well, it can't be helped. Might as well go for it.

"Leorio, Kurapika, wanna team up? I can show you guys how to make sushi, but I'll need some help cooking. We can get Gon and Killua to help us too and spread the workload."

"You sure we can do that?" Leorio asks.

I shrug and roll up my sleeves. "She never said we couldn't. Go see if they want to so we can get to work."

* * *

An assortment of marine life we caught spreads out on the table before us. A few familiar ones catch my eye— shrimp and freshwater mollusks. I grimace at all the stranger types fish that make up the majority of our bounty. Fish with spiked skin, strange shapes, and tentacles, too many eyes, flat creatures with weird protrusions and horns. None of them looks remotely edible, but of course, I can't be too sure. They aren't native to any places I've been to.

I inhale deeply. "Okay. We can work with this. Gon, you came from an island. You know how to identify parasites in fish?"

"Yep."

"Then we'll both be in charge of gutting and cleaning. Anyone that can't cook will be in charge of shaping the rice and tasting things for us." I examine the other three. "Kurapika, you seem the most levelheaded and observant. Can you help fillet and cut?"

He nods, ignoring the baffled look from Leorio. "I can."

"All right. Leorio, Killua, will you please fill up three bowls with water? We'll need them to shape the rice."

While they do that, I grab a headband out of my bag. Even though my hair is barely chin-length, I don't need it getting in my eyes. A tiny smile crosses my face as we get things ready. All the hectic activity reminds me of my time at the docks or helping out Ricarius with the chores back home. I didn't realize how much all that stuff ended up helping me now.

Or how thinking about it makes my chest hurt.

I shake those thoughts away and focus on the task ahead. "You're gonna dip your hands in the water so the rice won't stick and grab about this much rice," I instruct while going through the motions for them to see. "And you're gonna mold it into an oblong shape. Don't pack it too tight or it won't taste right. Once you're done, put a damp towel over it so it doesn't dry out. Damp, not soaking wet, _Killua_."

He obliges, but not without making a face at me.

While Killua and Leorio (the "we can't cook at all" group) are busy shaping the rice and Kurapika (the "less likely to screw things up" group) helps devein and ready the few shrimp we caught to be boiled, Gon and I start with the fish. We have to throw away several with large blisters, swollen eyes, or discolorations that make them inedible. The ones that survive we quickly clean, gut and skin for Kurapika to help cut. I occasionally have to correct the other two with the shape of their rice, especially if they squeeze it too much.

"Quarter inch slices, against the grain," I remind Kurapika while moving to drain the shrimp and boil the clams in sake. The heat from the pot and the warming skillets presses against my skin and makes my clothes stick to my skin. Some fresh air would feel so good right now…

"That ninja guy looks pretty pissed at us." Killua grins, his eyes ever so slightly peeking sideways in gesture.

I look up and sure enough, Hanzo keeps (not so) subtly glaring in our direction. The other candidates watch us too, trying to copy what we do though some hide it better than others do. One of the men practically breathes down Leorio's neck before he yells at the guy to shove off.

Kurapika doesn't look up from his task. "He assumed he'd be the only one who knew what the dish was, thus giving him the upper hand."

"I bet that bastard planned on keeping it a secret too," Leorio huffs.

"Would you really expect him not to?"

Leorio glares at him. "Who's side are you on?!"

"I'm not taking any sides. Just stating an obvious fact." By now, the two have stopped working to stare each other down.

"Yeah, and it always seems to be at my expense. Funny how that happens."

Killua laughs. "Because you make it too easy. Like painting a huge target on yourself."

"Guys, walk and talk please." I may as well be talking to the wind because none of them even look my way. Only Gon (who's watching them with curiosity) and I are the ones still working.

"And what's that supposed to mean?!"

"Exactly."

Leorio's hand clenches around the rice he was shaping as he yells at Killua some more. I sigh in frustration at the ruined piece and the mess of rice around him. While their antics are usually entertaining, now is not the time for them to slack off.

I slam my hands against the counter, startling them all. "Will you three stop acting like children and get back to work?"

My voice is loud enough that not only does it leave them speechless, but also the people around us. Even the examiners look over at our station. It takes only a few seconds of silence and stares before my cheeks burn with shame. _Crap, I'm starting to turn into the old man_. I busy my hands with putting the readied fillets into the skillet. The fish meat sizzles and steams, making my face feel even hotter. "S-sorry, it's just that with everyone copying us—"

"—you're becoming a nag?" Killua asks dryly.

I glare at the young assassin. "Expecting things done right does not make me a nag." As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I realize how true the statement is. When Ricarius did it, I thought him needlessly pedantic. But watching the others flounder around doing everything so carelessly repulses me. Nothing compares to the pride felt after a job well done. "Besides, Menchi seems finicky so anything less than our best won't be good enough."

Kurapika nods in understanding. "That's a very wise assessment." I tilt my chin up and give Killua a smug grin. Ha! "I apologize for my behavior. I shouldn't have stooped to Leorio's level."

"What the hell do you mean 'my—you know what? Forget it." Leorio gets back to his task though he continues to mutter under his breath.

"You really know a lot about this stuff, Raven," Gon's eyes are bright as he looks at me. "It makes you seem like a really cool grown-up."

Gon isn't far from the truth. I was seventeen before wishing myself into this twelve-year-old body. Although that was four years ago, which means I'm now... _wow, let's not go through_ that _rabbit hole_.

"Do I really look that old?" I press a hand to my cheek and pretend to look horrified. "Older than Leorio?!"

"Hey!" he protests and I burst out laughing.

"I'm kidding!" I give him my sweetest smile while giving the fish a flip and adding some seasonings to taste. "Although I guess knowing how to cook does make me more mature than you…"

"She's right," Killua says and I nearly choke on my own spit. He actually _agrees_ with me. But those blue eyes flash with mischief and tell me he only acquiesced to make fun of Leorio. "A grown-up who can't cook is a failure as an adult."

I throw my hands up in the air and cheer. "That makes me the adult of the group!"

"Wait a minute, there's nothing wrong with not knowing how to cook." It takes everything I have not to laugh at how seriously Leorio's taking the accusation. I focus on taking the fish out of the skillet and prying open the cooked clams to compose myself. "Besides, I'm probably the only one here that can drive."

"Too late! You've been demoted to child," I reply, twisting the knife to pry open the shell. The others help place the cooked meats on top of the rice to make the nigiri while I do that. "Congratulations Kurapika, you've been promoted to team Dad. I guess that makes me the team Mom or Aunt. Killua's the rebellious son and Gon's the model child. He's the favorite. That makes you the pervert, Leorio. Stay away from Gon."

"Why am I the pervert?!"

I point my knife at him and squint. "Don't think I didn't notice that magazine in there, young man. Your 'father' and I are gonna have a t— oh look, we're done."

We all stare down at our work. Several pieces of different sushi sit on multiple plates in front of us. The other candidates are still spying on us, some impressed by our work. But will it be enough for Menchi?

I grab a pair of chopsticks and pick up an extra piece of sushi. The darker meat belongs to one of the horned fish we brought back. Giving it a quick test sniff reveals it seems to have come out okay. "Gon, fill up one of those condiment bowls with soy sauce please."

"What are you gonna do?" He pushes the bowl towards me. A little sauce sloshes onto his fingers.

"Taste test. Watch, this is how you properly eat sushi." I dip the piece fish first into the soy and eat it whole. The fish's meat is naturally too sour, but a little salt and sugar diminish the taste down nicely. Hmm, it's not half bad. But would it be Menchi-approved? "I think it's as good as we're gonna get."

We each grab several plates and take them over to where Menchi sits waiting on the couch. Her lips curve when she sees what we're carrying. "Oh? Cooked fish...interesting."

I clear my throat, feeling a bit sheepish in front of her. "Y-yeah, since we only had access to freshwater fish. I didn't think we should risk giving you tapeworms or something."

Menchi wrinkles her nose and waves for us to set our plates down. I clasp my hands together while she gingerly picks up each piece and chews thoroughly.

"Huh. Interesting flavors," she says after the first few. "But so far pretty disappointing."

My heart sinks. I put a lot of work into all that and it still isn't enough. Buhara looks uncomfortable about the whole thing but says nothing. Menchi keeps trying the pieces we set for her until only one plate remains.

"Nope, nope, nope." She goes through each piece until she reaches the clam nigiri. "This one comes with own sauce?"

The boys all look at me to answer. "Yes. It's made with the clam juice, soy, sugar, and mirin."

She pops it into her mouth, taking her time to chew. Once she finishes, Menchi sets her chopsticks down and sips from her cup. The five of us wait silently for her to speak.

Menchi taps her chin for a moment. "Who made the sushi?"

"We all did," I reply. "It was a group effort."

She looks up. "Buhara?"

"Although she's technically right, the real cook is 200. She already knew about sushi."

"As I thought." Menchi lowers her gaze back to me, leaning back and crossing one leg over the other. "Even though the sushi tasted average, you put in more effort than some of the others. You'll probably make a great cook if you keep at it. However! The last piece was an unexpected treat. The added sauce really brought out the flavor. Therefore, you pass!"

I stare at her for several seconds, blinking. "I pass?"

"What about the rest of us?!" Leorio demands, leaning forward angrily.

Menchi glares at him. "You want me to disqualify you?" That makes him reluctantly back off.

Killua puts his hands behind his head and turns away with a frown. "Man, this blows."

"Should we try again?" Gon asks as the two walk back to the kitchen station.

A hand on my shoulder brings my attention to Kurapika, who's smiling at me. "Congratulations."

"You're not mad?" Behind us, the other contestants go to give Menchi their sushi.

He shakes his head. "You passed because of your merits. And if you hadn't helped us, we probably would've taken longer trying to figure out what to do, so thank you."

"Ah, no problem. I, uh...I'm glad to hear that because I honestly thought you didn't like me at first..."

"Please don't take it personally. I'm just cautious in general," he calmly explains.

"That makes sense. I was raised in a small town, so I guess I got used to everyone trusting me right off the bat."

"I would advise you to drop that attitude during the test. It'll only lead you to danger."

I look over at Gon as he and Killua are messing around in the kitchen. Even though Gon trusts easily, it never seems to go wrong for him. But I'm not Gon. I'm...me. I can't expect to be able to do everything he can. I have my own life to live in this world and as an outsider, I need to be extremely careful to survive. But with friends like him, Kurapika, and the others, I think I'll be just fine.

I smile at Kurapika. "You give really good advice. Thank you, team Dad."

"Please don't call me that," he says, but I can see the faintest hint of a smile.

"Sorry, but the name fits. Besides, you're the most sensible out of the five of us," I reply back with a wink, skipping away before he can protest.

* * *

Passing only one contestant raises enough of a fuss with the others that Buhara has to call the chairman to step in and convince Menchi to choose another test. Thankfully, they let me keep my pass and I got to stand back as the others had to jump down into the ravine to retrieve Spider Eagle eggs. Leorio gives me half of his to try and it's mind-blowingly delicious. It's a lot richer and creamier in taste than a normal egg and I'm half-tempted to try and get my own. Afterward, all 42 of us that pass board the chairman's airship taking us to the next phase. Netero introduces himself and then Beans tells us we can do as we please until we arrive.

"Gon, wanna explore the airship?" Killua asks excitedly, feet already moving.

"Yeah!" Both boys run off without even bothering to look back.

While I'd like to join them, I don't want to be the awkward third wheel in their friendship. Especially considering Killua probably still doesn't 'like me'. Besides, now that I'm standing still all today's events start catching up to me. My eyelids droop and a huge yawn escapes my lips as I stretch, my bag's straps digging into my shoulders.

"I'm sleepy," I mumble.

"Same here." Leorio's posture sags. "I just don't have the same energy as those two."

Kurapika, however, looks troubled. "You know, it bothers me that they haven't said how many tests are left."

I almost tell him the answer, but bite my lip at the last second. How would I explain having such knowledge? Kurapika would probably see through a lie. Instead, I shrug. "I assume we'll be close to the end when there's only a handful of us. Maybe we'll have to duke it out for our license."

Leorio grimaces. "Ugh, let's hope not. I don't like the thought of fighting friends."

"Either way, we might as well use this opportunity to rest." Even though Kurapika's trying not to show it, I can tell he's more tired than he lets on by the way his eyelids droop.

After they help me restock on supplies, we find a spot in which to settle. I end up between the two, wrapped up in the thin, scratchy blankets they provide us. Even though I've sort of patched things up with Kurapika, it's not as if we're close yet. So I plop my head against Leorio's arm and snuggle up to get comfortable, figuring he wouldn't mind. He merely pulls the rest of his blanket to cover me too.

He's surprisingly warm and there's still the faint lingering scent of his cologne. Something sharp and a little too strong. But it still fills me with comfort, so it's perfectly suited for him. I like it already. "Leorio."

"Hmm?"

"I know I already thanked you, but…seriously, I…I…" What I want to tell him is how terrified I was. How certain I was that he'd leave me because truth be told, it's something I always worried Ricarius would do, except Leorio isn't family so he'd have more reason to leave and it would've broken me because then I'd be all alone in a world I didn't really know and—

"Just. Thank you," I finish before my emotions get the best of me and squeeze his arm.

Leorio chuckles and ruffles my hair with his other hand. "You don't have to keep thanking me. Besides, that's what friends do, right?"

He says it as if it's something so obvious that no one should question. It makes me realize how little he'd hesitated to help. I cling a little tighter to him while I drift off to sleep, thinking that Leorio makes a much better older brother than just a friend.


	3. I Didn't Want You As My Enemy

**3.** **I Didn't Want You as My Enemy, but You Drew the Cards Right**

* * *

 _"Killing is not so easy as the innocent believe." ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_

* * *

At exactly 8 a.m., the airship drops us off above the Trick Tower. Beans steps down as well, with the airship still floating nearby, and huddles us together to explain the intricacies of this phase. We'd have 72 hours to figure out a way to the bottom of the spire in order to make it to the next stage. He gave no specifics as to how, leaving the others to wonder how they'd accomplish the task. Heat waves ripple off the tower roof as I stare off into the distance during his speech. My shirt sticks to my skin like back at the swamp and I roll up my sleeves to cool down some. Once Beans departs, I watch with the others as the climber descends down the face of the tower before falling prey to the large predatory birds. I wince at the sound of his cries as they carry him off into the distance.

The side of the tower is almost completely smooth, with only the slightest grooves within the structure. While the tower isn't as tall, the distance from the ground to the roof stirs something of a memory within.

"Hmm. Kinda like the Heavens Arena."

"You know that place?"

Killua's voice makes me flinch. I hadn't noticed he was standing so close to me. But he's looking at me with something other than disdain or ridicule, which compels me to answer. "The Arena? Yeah."

"Did you compete?"

I snort and shake my head. "I wish. The old man only took me to learn and observe."

"Well, I competed." Killua puts his hands behind his head and kicks at the ground. "Made it to floor 199 before bailing."

"Zoldyck!" I exclaim, and the memory is organic rather than secondhand knowledge of having read the detail. "I remember the old man telling me about you. He said you were one of the few children he's ever seen make it farther than the double digits."

Killua puffs up at the praise, his smirk becoming feline. "Eh, it wasn't so hard. I could probably make it even farther now."

Gon waves us over from the other side of the tower, urging us to help him find an entrance. This time Killua doesn't leave me behind and instead, he walks beside me.

"I wish I could've seen you," I say wistfully. "Learning from a Zoldyck would've been amazing, even if it's indirectly."

There's a lapse in silence as we maneuver around a small group of candidates milling about. "I could teach you."

For a moment, I forget how to breathe. "Huh?"

He looks at me and shrugs. "This test is boring. Might as well do something fun."

"That's—" My foot comes down and the floor dips under me. My heart practically stops as I plummet through one of the trapdoors. The last I hear is Killua start to call out before the door slams shut, followed by silence.

"Ow…" I wince at my scraped palms. Thankfully, I'm not hurt beyond that. But _fuck_.

Just when he was (hopefully) starting not to hate me. I should've paid attention to where I stepped. Now I'm all alone instead of being the groups fifth so they wouldn't have to deal with Tonpa.

I push myself up and look around. The room is no larger than a small closet, with brick walls and a speaker above the only doorway. There's a framed note attached to it that I have to get closer to read.

 _The path of the Cat and Mouse. For the candidate: You'll have to reach your goal by avoiding capture._

Crackling static fills the room and I flinch. The voice at the other end clears its throat. _Lippo_. "This tower contains numerous passages, some leading forward and some to dead ends. Think of it as a maze, where you'll have to find your way out. However…there's a catch. After an undisclosed amount of time, what's in the room next to you will begin pursuit. If you get caught, it'll be game over. Good luck."

"Wait, what do you mean game over?" I stare up at the speaker, waiting for some kind of explanation. "Hello?"

The only answer is the click of the door opening.

I exhale and pinch the bridge of my nose. Things are definitely _not_ going according to plan. Maybe it's this world's subtle way of reminding me that my destiny is out of my hands. Still, I really wish I hadn't stepped on that damn trapdoor.

Oh well. Nothing I can do about it now, but keep moving. Might as well get this test over with.

I step out into an antechamber that leads to the first hallway. To my right, there's another doorway that's still closed. My gaze lingers for a while, wondering what's inside. It's probably an inmate, considering this place is also a prison. Or it could be another candidate. Hisoka's name slithers into my mind. But then I remember the _undisclosed amount of time_ and turn away, resolving to put as much space between whatever's in there as possible.

* * *

Navigating the Trick Tower all alone, with something that may or may not be after me by now, is fucking terrifying. Every noise has me scrambling for corners or shadows to hide in, straining to make out what it is before continuing. It doesn't help that even the slightest cough echoes like a fucking gunshot through this damn place. Plus there's virtually no light to see by, which makes it that much harder. I don't know how long I've been walking or how much progress I've made. But the darkness feels oddly comforting.

The path ends and splits into two passageways. I go left, but toss a crumpled tissue near the other entrance. Since going down my first staircase, I've left false trails to throw off my pursuant. Hopefully, it works.

The further I go through the tower, the more I get used to the atmosphere and the musty air. I even loosen the hold on my Hatsu, practicing on manipulating the shadows around here. They respond to my call, the coolness brushing against my arms and legs. It almost feels like another friend accompanying me during this task.

I wonder what else my power can do. What the extent of it is. My training with Ricarius hadn't gone that far because soon after I'd told him about my desire to take the exam. That alone infuriated him enough to halt my training in the weeks that led to my leaving.

 _Maybe I should give it a name too._

But every attempt I come up with seems juvenile. _Shadowsinger? Erebus? Welcome to Hell?_ Thinking about it made my head hurt, but at least it gave me something else to focus on as I pulled at the darkness.

I think back to the group's own Hatsu names. Kurapika's chains had pretty simple ones that went with their uses. Killua's had to do with Thunder. Gon's had _Jajanken_ , at once simple and a clever play on words (even if he hadn't meant it that way). And Leorio…did he ever come up with any names for his abilities? What would he even call it? Perhaps something related to hospitals? _Doctor's Note?_

I almost laugh aloud, but the squeak that bursts out of me has my hands over my mouth to stifle it.

And in that silence, I hear it.

A _cough_.

 _Footsteps_.

They're coming from further behind me, barely an echo. I bolt, not bothering to sneak around in case they might catch me. Seconds later, those steps thump faster against the hard floor. Closer. I go through doorways, down flights of stairs, praying not to stumble across a dead end. Eventually, the footsteps fade away, but I can't stop.

I turn a corner, about to plunge into another long hallway until I slam into something warm. I don't have time to react before hands seize me and lift me into the air.

"Gotcha, you little shit." The words come out a triumphant sneer against my face. I can't see the prisoner too well under the hood but I can make out the contours of teeth and a narrow face.

I kick up, hitting him in the chin. The man reels and I fall onto my back, quickly rolling to my feet. Footsteps sound from behind again. Fuck it. I aim to jump over the prisoner in front of me and keep going. Even with one hand on his chin, he clumsily reaches out with the other and manages to catch my foot. I smack against the hard floor, trying to kick his hand away.

"O-Over here!" His muffled voice still carries throughout the corridor.

So this is what Lippo meant. As long as these fuckers don't catch me, I'm good. Just need to get rid of them. I call up my Hatsu as the other prisoner arrives. The gray makes it harder to see, but I know where he is. I can _feel_ it.

"What th—" is all he gets out before I dash behind him and knock him out.

 _Show no fear_. Ricarius' words from our hunting come to mind.

The other man scrambles against the wall with widened eyes. His breaths come out shallow and fast. "What…what _are_ you?"

 _You are the predator,_ not _the prey. If you don't establish that, they'll use that weakness against you._

His hood fell off his face at some point. He's about the same age as Leorio, maybe a little older. Blood smeared against his skin where he'd touched it.

I step forward. The man looks up, past me.

"Brigbel!"

Something hard slams against my head. My vision doubles. Blurs. I stumble down, feeling the cold slip from my skin. Pain stabs through my head and I have trouble keeping upright. I can barely make out Brigbel's massive frame as the world spins.

"—it's a child." The new voice sounds deeper. I can only catch snippets as I clutch at my head.

"You didn't see—"

"—get this over with."

Brigbel picks me up by the throat and squeezes. For an instant, I'm back in the swamp with Hisoka. I dig my nails into his flesh to pry Brigbel off. But he's too strong. Under his dark hair, his expression is one of conviction. I'll find no mercy here.

 _Game over, game over_ echoes in my head while I'm gasping for air.

I failed Ricarius. I made a rookie mistake and now…

Now…

My eyes start to roll back. The edges of my vision fade. My face burns.

 _God help me…I don't want to die here._ One final, meager thought manages to break through the surface.

 _I want to see Ricarius again._

My body goes cold as if plunged into ice. Darkness overtakes my vision. Instead of muddled gray, everything is in shades of black and white and clear as day. The pressure on my neck doesn't bother me anymore. Survival becomes my only instinct.

Brigbel yanks his hand away and I land easily on my feet. "What the hell?"

"Th-That's what she did before!"

I see every scrap of light and every shadow that lay in wait. Calling. _Reserves_. The rest of my senses are as alert. I can hear every sound, feel every shift in the air, and every lingering scent. In the span of nanoseconds, I identified and organized each piece of information my brain absorbed. Calculated my chances of success and failure. Cycled through plans to find the best possible solution. All before they finish blinking.

If I want to live then these two **must die.**

My body sinks down into the floor. Through the darkness, I can still see the two prisoners, back to back, whipping their heads around to find me. I leap out in front of the smaller one. My hand shoots out, right through his chest. He lets out a choked whimper and crumples to the ground.

Brigbel whirls to face me. I crouch low on all fours, an animal ready to pounce. He takes a step back. Fear pours from him in waves. His heart beats quicker inside his chest. Tension settles in his muscles.

"I never meant to kill you I was only trying t—"

I tackle him to the ground, gnashing my teeth. Brigbel shoves his arm against my throat trying to keep me at bay, but the shadows wrap around his arms and pry them back.

His face contorts to one of pure despair. "Please don't…!"

My teeth tear into his throat, cutting his last plea with a gurgle of blood.

* * *

The shadows pull away right before I stagger through the doorway.

"Applicant #200, Raven is the ninth to arrive! Time: 21 hours, 13 minutes!"

My Hatsu hadn't completely overtaken my consciousness this time. Whatever veil had obscured my actions last time didn't spare me again. As soon as the announcement ended, the weight of it all crashed down.

My hand through his chest.

The taste of iron in my mouth.

I pitch forward and gag, but nothing comes. Ricarius was right. This is much worse. Brigbel's face right before he died. The sound of his voice. It all came back to those dying animals during the hunts.

 _("So when do I get to sign up?")_

 _("When you can gut an animal without bawling your eyes out.")_

I'm not—

Nothing but bile and what meager snacks I had spewed forth. But my stomach keeps contracting, trying in vain to expel the very _experience_ out of my body. It goes on and on until my throat burns and I feel empty. Hollow.

Brittle.

My breathing is heavy as I collapse onto the floor. One of the participants starts taking bets that I don't make it to the next phase. I try to focus on that and not on the memory of Brigbel's final plea that threatens to make me want to vomit again. The man's right. Ricarius was right. I'm _not_ ready.

As I lay on the cold ground, I consider asking the examiners to take me home after all this.

* * *

For the rest of the two days, I take my bag and huddle as far away from the others. I think about home a lot. Thankfully, no one else bothers me during this time.

But no one cares to come make sure I'm all right either.

* * *

I awoke from more fractured dreams of dead animals and prisoners with the need to vomit again. The speaker crackles as the announcer counts down the final minutes. The group's voices reach me right as I heave again. Even though I could barely keep down a few scraps of nuts and water I managed to eat, my stomach wants to hurl it all out. I wipe the drool from my lips with the back of my hand. Sweat coats my skin as I pant for breath, trying to steel myself against nausea. I just want to put this tower and everything it stands for behind me.

"Raven!" Gon brings the group's attention to me. I barely manage to lift my head in acknowledgment as they walk over. "We were really worried about you after you fell through."

"I…I'm f—" My hand slaps against my mouth, suppressing another gag. _Dream. It was only a dream._

"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" The questions barely leave Leorio's mouth before he's already lifting my head and prodding at me, checking to make sure. "Do you need medicine? Did one of these bastards here hurt you?"

Kurapika is behind him frowning. "Give her a chance to breathe."

But I wrap my arms around Leorio and rest my head against his body. I may not have Ricarius now, but I have this. " _Thank you_."

Leorio's hand rubs my back in assurance and I nestle deeper into the embrace. "Seriously though, what's up?"

I pull back enough to be able to speak. "I don't know if I can keep doing this. The exam. I just…" I swallow back the bile that comes up again. "I killed two prisoners."

"Oh."

"Hey, she beat your score Killua," Gon says and the others turn to stare. He blinks at them. "What? It's true."

While they announce the end of the phase, Leorio helps me take things slow, taking my bag and asking if I'm okay each time. If I could walk, if I could make it out of the tower, if I could stand beside him as Lippo congratulated everyone for passing.

"You've made it this far. Can you keep going?"

It's as simple as all the other questions but it's enough to make me pause. Things aren't looking as bad now. I'm not shaking as much anymore. My stomach doesn't feel two seconds away from puking again.

"I think so." A shuddered sigh escapes me. I hate feeling this pathetic.

"I don't think they'll use prisoners for the rest of the exam, you know."

I almost forgot about the last two phases. The thought helps me breathe a little easier. "I guess."

He puts an arm around me as Lippo starts calling people forward. "And I'll be right here with you, kid. Just leave all the hard stuff to me."

When my turn to choose comes, Leorio asks me if I can do it. Though my hands still tremble, I nod and step forward to take my card. 89. A quick sweep on the way back to my spot finds my target. A tall man with shoulder-length black hair parted in the middle. He doesn't even notice me. I let my gaze drop. I could do this. I could.

Although saying it's a lot simpler than believing it.

"It gets easier." I stop next to Killua, his eyes meeting my own. "Killing."

"Does it?" I ask.

"Once you stop thinking of them as 'people'. At least, that's what my brother said."

"Is that what _you_ think?"

He shoves his hands into his pockets and shrugs. "I don't know. I just got used to it, I guess."

It made sense. He was a Zoldyck, after all. I wish I could be that nonchalant about it instead of puking my guts out at the mere thought. Ricarius used to tell me that I needed the mental strength not to traumatize myself in the process. That's probably what he was trying to prepare me for. Maybe if I'd listened to him, I wouldn't feel so wretched.

It takes a few seconds before I can smooth my thoughts into something coherent. "Does your offer to teach me still stand? I don't want to be weak."

"You think you can handle it?"

Killua doesn't use the same tone Leorio did. With him, it's like he's trying to make sure I won't be a hindrance before he promises anything.

I consider my answer for a moment. "Yeah. I can."

"All right." Non-committal 'til the end, I see.

Once everyone gets their own card, Lippo explains the next phase to us. I snatch off my tag at the start and shove it into my pocket. Some of the others do the same once they realize the importance. Though some, like Hisoka, don't seem to care. Afterwards, Lippo directs everyone aboard the ship that would take us to Zevil Island. With two whole hours to spare, I decide to let myself rest and recover. I end up sitting between Leorio and Killua, with the latter dozing off while the attendant lady congratulates us for passing. The other candidates carefully watch each other, probably trying to figure out who's their target.

I lean back and close my eyes to the warmth of the sun. The boat creaks as waves push it back and forth and the sound of seagull cries reaches my ears. If I shut everything else out, it's easy to push the exam out of my mind.

Unfortunately, it's not as simple to forget about those prisoners.

Why do I even feel this way about it? They were in the tower for a reason. Probably for committing some atrocious crimes they didn't feel remorse for. Killers, terrorists, counterfeiters, and traffickers. Those are the types imprisoned there. So what are their sinful lives in exchange for mine? But the thought doesn't comfort me. Not when it's eerily similar to the reasoning that tore my father from me in my previous life.

I flop onto my back and stare at the birds circling overhead.

After everything, I still feel the same as two days ago. Empty. Like Ricarius had said, I need to give up a part of my humanity if I want to make it. That's why he made me hunt. Not just to learn how and collect food, but to get used to what I'd ultimately have to do. He probably meant to wait until I got a little older. But I'll have to get used it eventually. Might as well do it now that I'm here. Except unlike Killua's brother, I wouldn't stop thinking about those people as human. Even if their deaths weighed my heart until it sank beneath the waves of my own guilt.

Because my father was a person too.

And Ricarius probably felt that same weight as well.

If he could still find it in him to keep coming back in spite of it, then I could too. For him and for these guys. Maybe one day that weight would become too much for me to handle. Maybe once I got to the old man's age, I would drown. Maybe nothing would be able to anchor me back to the surface. But I'm through running away from everything. From my hurt, from Ricarius, and from this.

So I closed my eyes and let the sun seep into my skin. Let it harden my exterior like clay, even if my insides still feel hollow.

* * *

 **A/N: We get a hint to Raven's life before the wish. Because if she thought ish was bad before, lord, she's in for a "treat". Anyway, this chapter took a while to write because I got real sick for like a week and am barely coming out of it. Dynamics are definitely changing a bit in this version, proving to me once again that this story can still surprise me. I'm okay with it as long as I don't tread on too much of the same scenes from the old version. Thanks for reading!**


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